Work as a Team

Draft material to appear in Getting Pregnant When You Thought You Couldn't (Spring, 2001)

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POINTER 4: Work as a Team

One of the most important aspects of living with infertility is working in concert with your spouse. Under normal circumstances, it takes two people to make a baby. For the infertile couple, the quest seems to employ a "cast of thousands." By focusing on your own emotions or the treatment you are undergoing, it's easy to forget your partner. Don't! Remember that in unity, there is strength. And no matter how many doctors, nurses, technicians, friends and family are involved, you and your spouse -- the mother and father of this desperately wanted child -- are the central players.

You need teamwork to survive infertility. But sometimes it's difficult to stay united. Many couples that start with similar goals part company along the seemingly endless road. Infertility requires a reordering of priorities and a change in lifestyle. When spouses differ in their priorities, trouble looms. When treatment fails and a new course of action must be charted, conflict and disharmony may arise. These differences can strain a marriage that already may be taxed with physical discomfort, sexual deprivation, career disruption, financial woes, problems with relatives, and isolation from friends.

One of the most important tools for building a united front is developing excellent communication skills. Communication is the most important factor in determining the quality of your marriage. Therefore, the most important place to start communicating is in your marriage.

Like every human being, you and your partner each live in a private world of experience, and neither of you are mind-readers. Unfortunately, couples make the mistake of believing that because they are married they ought to be able to understand one another -- to know what the other is feeling or thinking, and especially to understand the reasons behind their spouse's actions. But in fact, they don't have access to the reasons, only to the actions.

Henry sees Mary Alice's sad face. He guesses she is upset because today is their anniversary and they still don't have a baby. Indeed, the anniversary has something to do with it. Mary Alice tells him that she is sad because she ruined the special anniversary cake she was baking. Henry laughs at her for getting so upset over such a trivial thing. If Henry had questioned her before jumping to conclusions, he wouldn't have made a fool of himself. Mary Alice might have helped by being more specific to begin with.

Good communication involves Active Listening and Leveling. Eventually, Mary Alice explained to her husband that her sadness was about the cake but about other things, as well. It was about trying to make their day special. It was about showing Henry that they had a stable, romantic marriage even though they lacked a baby. Their anniversary dinner was salvaged because they listened and leveled with one another.

So many aspects of infertility diagnosis can be less stressful and less emotionally devastating if you work as a team. Simple actions, such as accompanying one another to medical procedures or scheduling the receipt of test results when you can be together, can make life much more bearable. And being up front about fears concerning anesthesia, injections, and pain during necessary procedures help you realize that you are in this together, despite your trepidations. Couples report that when they communicate with one another, using the Getting Pregnant Active Listening/Leveling Approach, detailed in the next chapter, they feel closer and more emotionally equipped to cope with all the problems that arise from infertility.

Even after bridging communication gaps with one another, many couples find they still have difficulty discussing their ordeal with outsiders. Bear in mind that other people often can provide additional support -- which brings us to our next pointer.