Putting it All Together

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Putting it All Together: How the Ten Pointers Combine to Help you Start Living Again

Taken individually, each Pointer probably won't seem like a major life change. But once you start putting all Ten Pointers into practice, we expect you will begin to view your infertility in a new, positive light you previously thought was impossible. Practicing the Ten Pointers can help you resume a normal, happy life even though your infertility is not yet resolved.

It's important for you to live in the present in order to make rational decisions, cope with treatment, and live a rich and rewarding life despite your infertility. It is counterproductive to regret any past actions as the real or imagined cause of your current problem. It is tempting to talk about what might have been or what you should have done. Leeanne, for example, still weeps over the abortion she had when she was 18, even though it seemed to be the only proper course of action at the time. "I should have had the baby," Leeanne laments. "Now my tubes are blocked, and I'll never get pregnant."

Ed, meanwhile, berates himself about the vasectomy he had during his marriage to Valerie. Little did he know back then that he'd one day divorce Valerie and marry another woman who wants children. "Who would have thought it? Me with new kids at my age, but it sounds nice," says Ed, whose children from his first marriage are grown. "When Valerie suggested a vasectomy, it seemed like a good idea. But I never should have listened to her."

Leeanne and Ed are each mired in what we call "pastspeak." They dwell obsessively on their past. What they did years ago made sense at that time. They need to live in the present. You probably have some of your own "should have's" and "what if's." Everybody does. But infertile people seem to dwell on these past occurrences, perhaps to avoid the frustrations of their current dilemma. Living in the past robs you of the pleasures of today. If you live in the past, you are more likely to give up your quest to get pregnant. You must find a way to build happiness into your everyday life even as you pursue your goal of getting pregnant. Focusing on the present is more productive and healthier than dwelling on the past.

Through the Ten Pointers, Leeanne and Ed each are working to let go of their past. They are lucky to live in the 1990's. Their infertility problems can be treated -- all with surprisingly good results. In vitro fertilization can bypass Leanne's bad tubes. And Ed has a better chance of successfully reversing his vasectomy than reducing his alimony payments to Valerie. Our advice to you is the same as it is to Leanne and Ed. Don't look back. Plant yourself firmly in the present. Make a plan. Find a doctor who can help, and become an active, informed partner in treatment. Make decisions that take into consideration your money, your age, your need for control, and your family-building objectives.

The Ten Pointers can help you avoid another common pitfall of infertility: pining for the future. Spending all your time on "futurethought" can make your precious today's melt together. Instead of living in the here-and-now, infertile couples often calculate the days until ovulation, the weeks until the pregnancy test, or the months until the next IVF procedure. This "hurry-up-and-wait" phenomenon is one the most difficult problems infertile people need to overcome. There is so much to wait for: the doctor, a procedure, a drug to take effect, an operation, and, of course, the pregnancy itself. Dwelling on all you have to wait for can put your life on hold. Dorothy lived her life nine months ahead. If she got pregnant in January, her baby would be born in October; if she got pregnant in February, it would be born in November. Each month, she got out her astrology book and read what sign her baby would be born under if she got pregnant that month. When she wasn't pregnant that month, she'd start reading the next chapter.

Dorothy is an extreme example of somebody who was unable to live in the present. Each failure seemed to pull her further from her immediate goals. Through the Ten Pointers, Dorothy reframed her thinking, got in touch with her feelings, developed a system to organize her bills and appointments, and made a plan. She scheduled some pleasant activities with her husband and with her friends. Dorothy is now working hard to live in the present.

We're not suggesting that it's going to be easy to live in the today world, but we believe that the wait for conception will be more tolerable if you train yourself to experience each day fully. But with all these worries on your mind, how can you possibly live in the present? The answer is to force yourself. Make a conscious effort to purge "futurethought" and "pastspeak" from your consciousness. Dispute any self-pitying or self-loathing sentiments you might harbor. To your negative statements like, "What's the use of buying a bigger house if I can't have a baby," for instance, prepare a convincing retort, such as, "My husband and I will feel more comfortable with more space." And be patient. Allow time to dig yourself out of the rut you have been in.

We provide some digging-out tools in the Getting Pregnant Workout, a set of skills described in the next chapter. The Workout, like the Ten Pointers, will help you start living again, even if your infertility seems far from being resolved.