Words From A Recipient Mom

MY EXPERIENCES:  WORDS FROM A RECIPIENT MOM              

            One of the first questions couples who are considering egg donation ask me is, “What was it like?  What is it like now?”  They want to know everything about the procedure:   the pregnancy, the childbirth, and raising and telling the children.  Although Helane doesn’t consider herself the authority on egg donation, she feels that having gone through the whole procedure, as well as talking with so many donors and recipients, she can tell it like it is, at least for her. Here is Helane’s view:

            “Since I have not had children who are genetically my own, I cannot compare these children to children that don’t exist.  The image I had of the children who would have been genetically connected to me was of short, smart, dark-haired, funny children, resembling the childhood pictures of myself.  These images of my children to-be did not include factoring in my husband’s genes, because these images were created long before I knew my husband.  My own real-life children look quite different from this fantasy picture, but look very much like my husband.  They are smart; one is short and funny, the other is tall and quite serious.  Both are more wonderful than I could ever have imagined.   I also cannot imagine loving any children more than I love these two.”

            “I chose to do egg donation because I had experienced too many failures and disappointments.  I had fifteen inseminations and 5  IVF failures and  two miscarriages.  Also, between my two pregnancies, an attempted egg donor cycle, with a wonderful friend as donor, did not even get to retrieval because my friend did not stimulate on Pergonal.  Although my doctor at the time thought I should try one more cycle with my own eggs, I felt that I could not face another failed cycle, or worse yet, another miscarriage.” 

            “I actually talked the doctors at IVF New Jersey into doing the procedure.  I was their first success and actually joke about how they were one page ahead of me in the medical textbook.  But pregnant I was, and with twins!  “

            “When I became pregnant with these babies, I did not know anyone who had given birth to a donor baby.  I was absolutely terrified during the first few months of the pregnancy.  What had I done?  Who would these babies be?  Why had I used this particular donor and not some other mythical donor?  I tried my best to provide a wonderfully nurturing physical and emotional uterine environment for them to grow.  My husband marveled as I focused all my energy on growing these babies and making them my own. “ 

            “The questions really subsided the moment I felt the babies kick.  It was as if the psychological pressure had lifted.  These babies were alive (although I had known they were from the ultrasound scans)!  They existed as my children and it was now my job to continue to nurture them and to get to know them.” 

            “Because they were twins, I could focus on both how they were similar and how they were different.  I knew there had not been any studies on the effect of uterine environment as differentiated from genetics, but I wanted to begin to shape the developing babies.  Even though I would never know if it had any effect, I felt that these 9 months would be my contribution to their development prior to birth.”

            “The day my children were born, my husband videotaped me actually predicting what the children would be like.  I felt I knew them so well.  Nathaniel liked consistency.  His heartbeat was regular; he moved at the same time everyday.  When I was cold, he seemed unhappy.  “Make it like it was before,”  he seemed to say.   My everyday diet of tofu and broccoli was fine with him.  Nathaniel likes to eat the same thing everyday and has trouble on the first day of a vacation and on the last.  He likes everything to stay the same.  I joke that he will fall in love in the second grade and remain faithful to this choice and ultimately marry her.  “

            “Allegra, on the other hand, was my risk-taking-in-utero dancer.   She flipped and flopped and kicked and was quiet whenever she pleased.  She didn’t care if  it were cold or hot or what I ate.  She kicked me so hard in one of my classes that my students at the back of the room saw her foot push at my upper abdomen.  They all predicted, as did I, that she would never stop moving.  And indeed she never has stopped.  She was always hard to find in my uterus; she moved wildly and then slept whenever she wanted.  She still does.   She walked at 10 ½ months and hasn’t stopped.”

            “When I saw the children, at the moment of their birth, I was struck by how much they both looked like my husband.  It almost seemed as if the donor provided the x chromosomes that enabled conception, but that my husband had contributed the lion’s share.  (And interestingly, so many egg donor babies look just like the daddies.  And I know, since I have seen the donor and the daddy!)  The inequality that so many couples talk about—that he contributed and I didn’t—seemed a plus, not a minus, since the moment I saw my children I knew that they were like the man I married.  I was happy that his genes were central. “

            “When people tell me how gorgeous my children are, I always say, ‘Yes, aren’t they?’  It’s as if doing this procedure allows me to be unnarcissistic because their appearance is not about me.  I too can step away and marvel at their beauty.  I must say that when I look into their eyes, I do not see my grandfather or my father or my mother or myself.   The faces are not mine or anyone’s in my family.  Yet when I look deeper into their souls or when I see them move or hear them speak, I do see and hear myself.”     

            “Our family started talking about donors when our children were two years old.  Nathaniel always hears what he wants. He  thought I had said, “Donut baby” and somehow must have believed he was made at Dunkin’ Donuts, like the munchkins he likes.”                        

            “Not much discussion happened until they were four.  Occasionally, when the phone rang, Allegra would say, “It must be a donor.”  One day when she was almost 5, she turned to me and said, “What exactly does a donor give you?”  I told her that our donor gave Mommy a chance to have two babies:  you and Nathaniel.  At six, Allegra said, “I know who my donor is.  It’s Auntie Susan (Dr. Susan Treiser one of the medical doctors at IVF New Jersey).”  I explained that Auntie Susan had been one of the doctors, but not the donor.  I explained that the donor didn’t want Allegra or Nathaniel to know her and that, because she had been so wonderful, we had to honor what she wanted.  Allegra then said, “But did she have yellow hair?”  I said yes and that seemed to suffice. “                  

            “One of the most chilling incidents occurred the May that Allegra was five.  One Sunday night I gave Allegra permission to watch the Tony Awards on television.  I thought she would just fall asleep on the sofa and I could watch the program quietly.  Instead, she was noisy and disruptive and wasn’t about to watch the program or fall asleep.  I told her that she needed to go upstairs to bed because Mommy wanted to watch the show.  She turned to me and said, “You’re not my real Mommy.”  My heart fell.  “Why not?” I said.  “Because my real Mommy would let me do exactly what I wanted.”  “No,”  I said, “a Real Mommy would teach you be polite and to let someone else have a special moment.  You go to bed now.  I’m your Real Mommy and I insist.”  She complied, but I have to say that, even though I know that what she said was a typical bratty five-year old remark, it certainly made my heart stop for an instant.  Now that I’ve had one of my worst fears realized--even though it came from an overtired five year old—that my children would someday reject me as Mommy, I’m certain I can deal with the real thing, should it arise. “   

            “We continue to prepare what we tell the children.  We have established a weekly ritual during which all of us put money into a container to be given to a local charity anonymously.  We explain to the children that the best way to give charity is without telling who we are so that the person receiving the charity doesn’t feel indebted to us in particular.  We hope that the children learn to embrace  those principles of giving gifts without strings.  We also hope that  we will be good enough parents that they continue to be people who are givers.  We also hope that they will honor the request of the donor and not try to find her. “     

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This page was last modified 06/02/03