Draft material to appear in Getting Pregnant When You Thought You Couldn't (Spring, 2001)

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Pointer 5: Manage Your Social Life

            Rose, 28, teaches fourth grade.  She's been trying to have a baby for two years.  Recently, she began taking Humegon injections and undergoing intrauterine inseminations -- procedures in which timing is crucial.  As a result, she is late to school three or four mornings a month.  Rose also has gained weight and appears bloated.  Fellow teachers whisper behind her back, wondering, "What's the matter with Rose?"

             Martin is an attorney.  Last year, everyone thought that this year he would be made a partner.  But this year, Martin seems different.  Unbeknownst to his colleagues, Martin is preoccupied with his wife's infertility treatments and test results.  He's frequently on the phone, but not with clients.  Everyone at work thinks something's up.  Is he getting a divorce?  Is he having a breakdown?  Is there another woman?  Whatever the problem is, his superiors surmise, Martin no longer seems to be partner material.

            These stories demonstrate what can occur if you keep your fertility problems secret.  Like Rose and Martin, you and your partner may have refrained from telling friends and co-workers about your problems.  As a result of your new behavior or mood changes, colleagues might conclude that you're losing your edge or having a mid-life crisis.  Just when you need the understanding of your colleagues, family and friends more than ever, you've alienated them.

            Social psychologist Sheldon Cohen has conducted numerous studies demonstrating that social support is critical for getting through stressful situations[i].  You may feel uncomfortable discussing the intimate details with friends and co-workers, but you need not be secretive about the general problem. 

            Ultimately, Rose and Martin told their co-workers that they were involved in fertility treatment.  Rose's principal gave her time off and assigned other teachers to fill in.  The whole school seemed to rally around Rose.  Now she can go to work without feeling as though she's failing as a teacher.  Martin was less fortunate.  He opted out of the partner track temporarily.  He took the pressure off himself.  His colleagues respected him for it.  Martin knows that he will be able to return to a partner track once the infertility issues are resolved.  But Martin is able to be present at all of his wife's important procedures and surgeries.  His main concern for now is to do everything possible to have a baby. 

            Disclosing the secret of your infertility frees you to interact normally with the people you care about.  Psychologist Sidney Jourard, a researcher of self-disclosure[ii], suggests that distancing yourself from everyone else estranges you from yourself.  On the other hand, it is inappropriate to tell anyone and everyone about your problem.  Use good judgment.  Think carefully about whom you should tell and under what circumstances.  Maybe you will feel most comfortable by telling your mother.  On the other hand, you may feel better talking to a long-time friend.  Whom  you tell first is not important -- it's the telling part that is critical.  The support and encouragement you get from your confidantes are often surprising.  And you'll feel better, too.  It's difficult at first, but you and your spouse must share what's happening, if only to unburden yourselves from feeling so isolated.    

            It also helps to have ready answers to embarrassing questions.  Peggy took the direct approach to questions about why she had no children yet.  Her answer was well-rehearsed and always the same, "We want children, but we're having trouble.  We're seeing the best doctor in town, and I'm hopeful all will go well.  But I have trouble talking about this at happy occasions, so I hope we can change the subject."  Gwen also had a pat answer -- one more risqué than Peggy's: "Maybe nine months from this morning."  We're not suggesting that you use either of these answers, merely that you come up with rehearsed statements that let you off the hook when you feel uncomfortable.  What you tell casual acquaintances and how you talk about your infertility to people who really matter will differ drastically. 

            Another aspect of this Pointer concerns choosing which social occasions to attend.  Bear in mind that baby-related events are difficult for most infertile women.  Avoiding baby showers and baby namings or christenings protects you from directly having to experience a recent birth.  Decide whether you can tolerate such events.  If attending will upset you, then you are entirely justified in steering clear.

            Young children's birthday parties and other family-oriented events also may be painful.  Halloween, Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving and other holidays may similarly depress you. The  following post illustrates why you need to be able to manage your social life: As you read it, we will educate you about abbreviation conventions used in Internet bulletin board discussions.

"My SIL (sister in law) is having a birthday party of my niece this Sunday. I am simply dreading going. My SIL makes no effort of be sociable or kind to any of DH's (dear husband) family the rest if the year, and makes no secret about how she doesn't like us. I feel like I got invited to supply a gift. Whenever there is a gathering with my SIL, she starts about me having kids - offering baby clothes, toys and furniture, asking if we are trying, for how long we have tried offering little 'tips' and 'hints.' Then she starts showing off about how easy it was for her to get pg (pregnant) and talking about pregnancy and stuff with my MIL (mother in law), and making sideways comments like 'Oh, I guess Jenny wouldn't know what we are talking about' None of my of DH family knows we are TTC (trying to conceive), so they don't know the problems we are having, and probably don't realize how hard this is for us. I try to laugh off the comments, and make vague remarks about how we will try to have children at 'some point' in an effort to stem her comments. DH says she just does it because she is envious of our money and my good job, and children are one thing she has that I don't. Its probably true, but money and jobs pale in comparison to kids for me. I love my niece and nephew, and don't want to slight them, so I have always attended the kids birthday's in the past. But I am seriously considering not attending this one. I don't think I am going to be able to keep my calm if another 'aren't you pg yet?' comment gets made, and I will probably cry and make a scene. My MIL is every inch a peacemaker, and feels we should all attend these birthdays, even if we don't like my SIL 'for the kids' sake. I don't want to upset my MIL, but I don't know if I can face it. Should I put on my thickest skin and go or should I bow out? It really bothers me to be so easily affected by others comments, and so weak emotionally, but I don't want to spend next week feeling inadequate and upset about comment that will likely get made."[iii](Helane: go through this posting and illustrate the ways in which this woman could act to manage her social life)