Draft material to appear in Getting Pregnant When You Thought You Couldn't (Spring, 2001)

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            Time is the overwhelming aspect of other women's infertility experiences.  They feel that their biological clock is running out.  They respond by rushing through treatments or by changing doctors.  They dwell on the past and are anxiety-ridden about the future.  They think about themselves only as "ovulators" and "menstruators."  Nothing else counts for them.  All they can focus on is that they better get pregnant soon because time is slipping away. 

            Debby can't seem to think of anything else but the fact that she is 41 and not yet pregnant.  She laments her five-year relationship with Freddie.  "I wasted so much time," she says.  "I don't have many months left."  She explains that she is going to two different doctors this week to get their opinions.  She is overwhelmed by her sense of impending doom -- menopause and the end of the road.  Time is her primary stressor.

            Infertile people say they feel anger, jealousy, repulsion or disgust.  Misty's posting on the INCIID emotions bulletin board says it all.[vi] "I completely understand everyone's discomfort/anger/jealousy over all the pgs and charming cherubs swarming around us. It's really uncomfortable for me to face my own feelings in my own life. This weekend I saw my two best friends. It was just the five of us--they brought their adorable sons, born five days apart, now nine months old. Of course those sweet little boys were the center of attention! Why shouldn't they be--they are adorable. There was much discussion of their eating, teething, sleeping habits, etc. Lots of photos and videos of the two boys together. My friends are the souls of consideration, kindly asking about my fertility treatments, purposefully turning the conversation away from the babies so that I wouldn't feel bad. I felt like a freak, weird and childless. I also felt so jealous that they had their sons together--though they both have always been very loving and inclusive toward me. But even so I felt bad!!!! At one point, my closest friend said--trying to make me feel better: 'Why are you putting yourself through all this stress--you don't need a baby to have a meaningful life', as she bounced her son on her knee. She gets pg without even trying, and has three children. She doesn't understand what it's like for me to wonder if I'll ever have the chance to be a mother--her babies were all unplanned." Like Misty, you too may feel this way.  In fact, you may feel grief, depression, loss, confusion -- all sorts of negative and potentially debilitating emotions.  Despite the difficulty, you must face your emotions and acknowledge them.

            Often the shock of infertility can make people report that they are disconnected from themselves, or completely unaware of their feelings.  Find and acknowledge your innermost emotions, for these feelings may be preventing you from getting beyond the obvious sadness and grief of infertility. Author Niravi B. Payne, M.S. in her 1997 book The Language of Fertility[vii]  suggests that women experiencing infertility become aware of these negative emotional issues and work to counteract them. Remember, in terms of infertility, all emotions are valid, even though you may never have experienced feelings like these before.  At one time or other, everyone experiences emotions that surprise them.

            You might feel angry.  At whom are you angry? There may be no clear target. People who believe in God may feel angry at Him.  Others focus their anger on abusive or neglectful parents or on women who choose to abort their pregnancies.  Others prefer not to focus their anger on an external target.  Instead, they turn their anger inward.  They get angry at their bodies for failing to make babies.  When people turn their anger inward, they become depressed. 

            You might feel jealous.  Some people say they feel jealous of parents or pregnant women.  They envy the ease with which friends get pregnant.  They are even jealous of their previously infertile friends, even though they truly want their friend to have a baby.  Your feelings may confuse you.  You may feel repulsed when your friend asks you to hold her baby.  You wonder, "How can I, who so much loves babies and wants one, feel repulsed by this innocent little creature in my arms?" 

            Also, you may feel disgusted with yourself because you feel so inadequate.  Month after month, you fail to get pregnant.  Looking in the mirror, you notice how the fertility drugs make you appear pregnant.  What a shame.  You have a body that looks pregnant but isn't.

            All, or at least some, of these and other emotions will be part of your life.  Getting in touch with these feelings ultimately will help you become a happier person despite your infertility.  You can begin to combat negative feelings by learning to relax.  The progressive relaxation and breathing exercises in the Getting Pregnant Workout in Chapter 2 are designed to help you feel calmer.  The Workout's guided imagery exercises in the next chapter can help you "go away" from your problem and give your mind time to heal itself.

            Dr. Alice Domar who directs the Women's Health Program in the Division of Behavioral Medicine at Harvard Medical School has created the Mind-Body Program for Infertility with branches throughout the United States.  The Mind-Body program's approach is very similar to the one we advocate in this book.  Domar points out that her client learned "from day one that our program was not designed to increase her odds of pregnancy.  Indeed, our program was designed to get her mind off pregnancy.  The purpose was to get her life back-to take her off the roller coaster of rising expectations and dashed hopes." Domar's program does an excellent job of helping her clients do this.  For those of you who cannot get to the location of her program, we offer the activities in this book to achieve the same goal. [viii]

            After you get in touch with your negative emotions, realize there comes a time to move beyond them and eventually replace them with positive feelings.  Emotions that are perfectly valid at one time may hinder you from exploring options at another time.  Of course, there is no rule about how long you can expect to feel overwhelming sadness or anger or jealousy (and these emotions will probably never leave you entirely), but at a certain point in your infertility diagnosis and treatment, you must allow yourself to get past what you are feeling so you can move on.

            Some clients who come to us are already in touch with their emotions, so much so that it backfires and prevents them from seeking proper, productive treatment.  They are grieving and feel helpless about their loss.  "This isn't my fault," they say to themselves.  "I'm not responsible for what is happening to me."  While it's true that the fault is not theirs nor are they responsible for their condition, they nevertheless feel trapped by their debilitating emotions.  They are fixated on negative thoughts, and their non-action triggers a form of guilt for failing to become more involved in their treatment.  This, in turn, makes their negative feelings more intense.