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Helane Rosenberg and Yakov Epstein
(NOTE: Write your name or the name of your husband or child in the appropriate blank spaces to make the guide more personal, or else rewrite these pages to express yourself in your own way.)
When parents are having great difficulty having a second child, the situation is called "secondary infertility." Some women with secondary infertility also had a great deal of difficulty getting pregnant the first time. If had trouble the first time, it probably won't surprise you that she is having trouble again. But for many other women, the first pregnancy came easily, and trying to have another seems impossible. This guide is aimed at helping you understand better understand what is going through.
You're probably asking yourself, "Why are they having so much trouble now when they had no trouble last time?" You don't have an answer -- and quite likely, neither do they. There are so many possible reasons.
People change. As they age, their bodies change. Sometimes a woman's hormonal balance changes. Last time, she had the proper hormonal stimulation to make her ovulate. Now, something may have changed, and her hormones are out of kilter. The birth of a first child sometimes causes changes. Sometimes changes during a first pregnancy stimulate the production of antibodies that interfere with a subsequent pregnancy. Also, the quality of her eggs may have diminished because she is older.
Not only do changes happen to women, they also happen to men. may have had a good sperm count last time but it has since become poor. Too much exercise, tight underwear, or trauma to the groin area are possible explanations.
In truth, there may be more than one cause of their secondary infertility. The real reason or reasons may never be ascertained. But be assured that they are doing everything they can to find answers.
Like most people with a loved one suffering from secondary infertility, you probably find _________ extremely difficult to deal with. She is probably depressed much of the time. She probably avoids family gatherings. She may have a strained relationship with her siblings or cousins who have more than one child or who are expecting another child.
Perhaps you could be more sympathetic if you knew what ________ is experiencing. She has lots of strange feelings. Probably she is wondering whether her inability to have a second child is an omen. Maybe she thinks she is trying to tempt fate, and she'll be punished by having a child with a birth defect. Maybe she should give up and be satisfied with one child.
She's feeling lots of guilt. By trying so hard to have a baby, she's taking time away from her child, ___________ She's spending money on treatment instead of on ______. She devotes her time to treatment instead of spending that time with __________ And when she spends time with _____ , she may resent it when it interferes with her treatment schedule. You can imagine how these thoughts must be tormenting her.
She's also hassled by logistical problems. What can she do with _________when she goes for early morning treatments or blood tests? What will happen if __________walks in when her husband is injecting her with a fertility drug?
You're probably wondering, "If they're having so much trouble, why don't they just forget about having more children?" The answer is complex.
They love children so much that they want a larger family. Before they got married, they had a vision of the kind of family they would create. That vision included several children. Now they're trying to make that dream come true. The fact that they are having so much difficulty makes them even more intent on achieving their goal.
Also, they want another child as a companion for their son/daughter. Youngsters whose parents suffer secondary infertility often ask for a sibling.
___________is what psychologists call a "marginal woman." She doesn't fit into the infertile world. Those people have no children at all. They can't empathize with her situation. Nor does _________ fit into the fertile world. These people have as many kids as they desire, maybe even more, and have no trouble getting pregnant. Because she's "neither fish nor fowl," ________ has few sources of support.
A general lack of empathy for her plight also puts her into uncomfortable or even painful social situations. Well-meaning people ask her: "Why are you waiting so long to have another child?" They figure if she could have one, she certainly can have another. Comments like these really hurt.
Sometimes her friends with more than one child tell her: "You're so lucky to have only one kid. You don't have to deal with your children fighting and arguing." Or they say: "I wish I only had one kid. It's so much easier to travel with just one child to worry about." They don't mean to hurt _________ But after hearing remarks like these, she is likely to spend the next few days being depressed.
There are several things you can do to ease her pain. If you live nearby and can baby-sit, offer to watch her child when she goes to the doctor's office. If her treatment is extensive, offer to have her child sleep at your house that night. You can also offer to entertain her child while her husband is giving her an injection.
Don't press her to attend family gatherings that include babies or pregnant women. Understand that being among people who have what she so desperately wants can put her under tremendous stress. Also, you can alert other family members that she is in a difficult phase of her life and to refrain from saying things that might upset or embarrass her.
Be sensitive about the things you say to her. She's doing everything she can to have a baby. Support her. Don't discourage her.
Tell her you love and support her. Let her know that you share her anguish and wish her dream will come true. Do say: "I'm praying for you," or "Next time I see you, I hope you'll be pregnant." Don't say: "What will be will be," and never say: "Maybe you're just not meant to have any more children."
This activity will appear in the new edition of Getting pregnant When You Thought You Couldn't.
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This page was last modified 06/02/03