Draft material to appear in Getting Pregnant When You Thought You Couldn't (Spring, 2001)

All Material on this site © 1999 Helane Rosenberg and Yakov Epstein. You may not reproduce or cite any of these materials without the written permission of the authors.

Please read and send feedback to:

Helane Rosenberg and Yakov Epstein

Return to Home Page

Previous       Next

Pointer 3: Change Your Thinking

            Infertility puts a strain on so many parts of your life: marriage, career, family, friendships, as well as your own identity and self-worth.  We hear so many statements like, "I am a failure because I will not carry on my family line," or, "I'm defective because I have a body that doesn't work right," or, "I deserve this infertility because I wanted too much.  I have a husband and a house and a job.  I'm too greedy." 

            You must dispute your irrational beliefs.  You are not a failure because you may not carry on the family line.  It's not your fault.  You are doing more than most people do to have a baby.  Instead of berating yourself, pat yourself on the back for the effort you are making.  You are not defective because your body can't get pregnant.  Your body works well in other areas of life; you may be a terrific tennis player or a good cook, for example.  Your mind works extremely well.  And your soul is gentle and kind.  You are not greedy because you want your life to go as planned.  And, as you know, babies don't always go to the ones who want or deserve them most. 

            The so-called rational/emotive approach is a form of psychotherapy that focuses on restructuring thoughts and feelings to foster adaptive behavior.  This approach, modified for use with infertility, can provide you with the ABC's of getting pregnant when you thought you couldn't.  The A (the activating experience) refers to some real external event to which you are exposed.  Your A is called infertility.  The B (belief) refers to the chain of thoughts about A.  Your B might be, "I'm defective."  C symbolizes the consequences, which are those emotions that result from B.  For example, you may want to stay home and not see your friends.  The D stands for disputing these beliefs -- which is what you must do to get out of this rut.  If you do this, then E will follow -- you will function more effectively.

            The best way to get in touch with your irrational beliefs is to listen to what you say to yourself.  The words you say to yourself and their meaning create and maintain your view of the situation.  Ask yourself these questions: What's stressing me out most? What specifically am I telling myself about my infertility? What you tell yourself gives it the meaning that it has for you.

            Mary Alice and her husband, Henry, are childless.  When Mary Alice asks herself, "What's worrying me about not having a baby?" she answers, "It means not being able to pass on my genes and my husband's for all posterity."  When Henry asks himself, "What's upsetting me about not having a baby?" his response is different.  He says, "Without a baby I can never be a Little League coach."  Such thoughts produce profound feelings of loss for these people.

            As you go about your daily routine, take time out to monitor your thoughts.  Stop putting yourself down for feeling jealous of your friends who have babies.  Accept your humanity.  Stop thinking poorly of yourself because you don't want to hold your friend's baby.  Would you want to work in a pastry shop if you were dieting? The urge to steer clear of situations that would be unpleasant for you is perfectly natural.  It doesn't mean you're a cruel or thoughtless person.